I’m Not Jealous…

I don’t fancy myself a jealous person, though I do admit I get jealous a lot. What I mean to say is I get jealous of those who are at my equal level of deservedness who receive something I long for. That is probably more or less the literal definition of jealousy, I know. But still I know in my heart that I am not a jealous person. Everyone is jealous of those who are equal and get it. To me, that’s humanity, not an all around jealous attitude. And if you are one so holy to believe that you NEVER feel that way, shut the fuck up. You are lying. You’re lying to yourself.

Now a JEALOUS person is one who usually has jealousy in place of genuine happiness for someone else who is rewarded. Or is, at the very least, not both. Part happy, part jealous. Instead they are just part jealous and part bitter jealous. And those people do exist. And I am not one of them. I am not a jealous person.

I actually get quite happy for people who are rewarded. I think it’s why I like watching makeover shows. Or surfing facebook to see graduation pictures. I like good things coming.

Considering my current broke as fuck living situation right now, (and knowing that all those around me are just as broke as me), I usually find my “let’s get happy for others” solace via television. I admit, I got choked up watching The Office wedding. And the Golden Globes when Glee won Best Television Show Comedy/Musical. And on the Today Show when an older chubby mom got a surprise haircut.

God, reading back on this I realize that I am getting desperate for good news. I’m actually getting jealous of people who get to hear good news about other people. That is not good.

Alas, I have been in this place before. The mundane, not necessarily depressing but not necessarily happy, time of life. It’s what happens when you graduate college and decide not to get married right away and pop out them babies. Oh well, I would rather be tepid now than to have all the excitement happen today to be bored when I am forty. I often think of those young young young brides and wonder if they can comprehend the lack of complexities in their lives as married dental assistants in suburbia twenty years from now. Yes, they will still be married dental assistants, and that’s if they’re lucky.

But I am getting off topic here.

Oh to have good news again, from anyone, is a worthwhile exploration for me. And THAT’S how I know I am not a jealous person; the fact that I actively seek positive fortune from others with no hidden agenda or pangs of resentment when I finally do.  I ask my roommates how their day is going every day, and I will never stop despite consistent and boring results.

In the meantime, I do enjoy just hearing about people in general, and that has been my new escape as of recent. TV can only fulfill me for so long. And I’m on a diet so chocolate is out.

A couple of days ago I submitted to this online contest and asked others for support. People really came out of the woodwork then. People I hadn’t heard from in a long time. Those from community theater days, those from Longmont High days, those from babysitting me days, And not only did I get to have a quick update on their life happenings, I also got an unprecedented amount of love and support. A ton of “you go girls” and “win one for Longmont” and “how awesome, of course I’ll help!” All this love for a silly online contest that I am sure not to win. (But, can I just say that I secretly really really want to win it? Like I imagined winning it since I heard about it, about two months before submissions? And how excited and badly I want to win? And how I kinda think I got a chance? And I’m kinda obsessed with the idea now? But I don’t want to get my hopes up so I play it cool? But really I’m not cool and I hope I win? Can  I just say that?)

Then I realized, oh God…

I am someone else’s good news.

Now this is not to sound cocky or narcissistic, not at all. And I am deeply sorry if I do.  But what I mean to say is, if something good happens to me, I get the chance to make other people happy. Just like I smiled when I heard my two best friends got into amazing grad schools, or another successfully bought a house, or another got to meet Jack Black, and another got bumped up from being a waiters assistant to a waiter. These long lost woodwork folks (and can I just mention how I love the phrase “came out of the woodwork”? Thank you.) aren’t jealous people either. They’re like me. They genuinely like good things coming.

And boy, am I lucky that I know so many people like that.

I just hope they love to watch “What Not to Wear” as much as I do.

– One L

“It’s amazing how many going green campaigns happen in the spring. Probably because the planet is so miserable to be on in the dead of winter.”


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