Weddings

I do not like to fix my hair.

I’ve never had the patience for it. And I don’t have the correct motor skills to pull it off anyway. Curling and spraying and gelling and moussing and spraying and crunching and pinning. Yowza.

I’m not good at painting nails, shopping for shoes, applying makeup, and being tidy. I don’t like folding my clothes and I always find faint leftover hair lines after I shave my legs. (It’s tricky, okay?) I do not read Cosmo. I rarely light candles and I do not think Coach purses are cute.

I will never have a little dog and make it wear stupid sweaters. I usually kill flowers or plants on accident. I wish I was better at cooking and baking, but so far I have only mastered being really good at setting the table.

I live with two boys, and I thought my womanly touch would make one of the boys less disgusting. And that has proved to be a fatal attempt.

I stay away from phrases like “Hey Lady.” Or “Hon” or “Sweetie” and I tend to be annoyed when others do it to me. I have never wanted a boob job or wanted to go tanning.

I always manage to spill food on my clothes and I am incredibly clumsy when it comes to things like walking and holding things. My handwriting looks like that of a very intelligent chimp’s.

Needless to say, I am not very “girly” if that is the adjective to describe all these attributes. I will make a point to say that there is nothing wrong with these things, and goodness knows I am envious of many girly girls out there. I am not “anti girl” like so many non-girly girls are. You know those types. They claim things like “I only get along with boys” and “ all girls suck.” I prefer to stay united. Us ladies have got to stick together! And I have many gal pals in my life who have stuck by me even though I can’t help them wrap a gift or tie a pretty ribbon.

I just learned that over time, I’ve never been patient enough to enjoy perfumes and pretty decor and all the benefits that being a girl has to offer over the other sex.  It all requires so much calm energy to pull of.

And the only thing I take my time at is running.

I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me. Do I have anything inside to indicate where I belong? It’s not like in exchange I am really good at sports or I’m stellar with tools. Am I a person who is gender neutral in tastes and hobbies?

Thank. God. For. Weddings.

Over the last year I have discovered  that I am completely and guiltily pleasurly in love with weddings. Hooray! I fit in the girl world. At last.

Now it’s not like I want to get married or anything; that’s not what weddings are about really. If you ask me, any couple who has the desire to get married and truly share a life long companionship doesn’t necessarily need a hoopla event such as a wedding. Marriage is a big deal. Weddings are not. They are just days that are fucking awesome.

My motto: Get married for the marriage, have the wedding as a bonus.

So before you think I am pining for a husband, ease the brakes there, partner. If anything I am writing this blog to solicit for more wedding invites. That is all.

My obsession with weddings began when I realized that as adults we don’t get the kick ass celebrations we did as kids. You can’t replicate birthday parties or childhood Christmases, proms or graduation barbecues. Once you are out of college it’s like, “Okay, party’s over. Here’s life. It kinda sucks.”

So yeah, a wedding is pretty much it once you are all grown up. After that maybe the next big celebration is childbirth, but that’s only if you want kids and even then kids just start a chain of celebrations catered toward them.

So I slowly got to liking weddings for the “great last hurrah” ideal that they hold. You may not get to enjoy Chuckie Cheeses’ once you are past twelve but you can enjoy weddings for the rest of your life.

The mood is always happy at a wedding. People have to dress up and watch two happy people get so happy they cry. Think about it. You are watching two people who are so happy they can’t do anything else but do the opposite of what a happy person does, because that’s how happy they are.

And then they feed you, for free. And then they give you beverages, for free. And you have permission to partake in silly games and conga lines and meet weird people and dance, for free.

It’s always a good excuse to take off work for a wedding. Or travel.

So it began as a merry obsession, a joy for joy. But over time I found myself comparing weddings. How does one make a party for adults better? Creativity. Themes. Dresses. Color pallets. Food choices. Program fun facts. Save the date cards.

Wedding culture soon began to rock my world.

My favorite shows on t.v. for the summer have become “Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?” “Say Yes to the Dress.” “My Fair Wedding.” And “Four Weddings.” All reality t.v. And I hate reality t.v. Alas, watching a wedding prevails.

With these shows I got a glimpse into the process. Weddings are an entire industry! They’re a mega huge deal. From the comfort of my couch I’ve begun to judge strangers for their bad wedding decisions. Why that color bridesmaid dress? What a bad DJ. Too extravagant. Too cheap. Calm down Bridezilla, let your planner handle it.

It’s like I’ve crossed from joining the girl world to entering flamboyant gay man heaven. I can’t seem to get enough. I love the crunch sound when Jewish grooms step on the glass. I love the sillyness of original vows. The tradition of the best man and maid of honor speeches. The beauty of the centerpieces. The dress.

If I fail as an actress or writer, (but really how could I fail with blog gems like this?) I would figure out a way to help a wedding planner as a career. (Of course they may want to avoid using me for any decorating and/or presentational stuff.)

I feel honored if I am asked to help at a wedding in any way. To me, the better I know the person the more exciting it is. But there’s something to be said about a strangers’ wedding.  I would not decline those invites too. Seeing love completely removed kinda unites us. I wish I had the guts to wedding crash.

I mean, I have yet to go to a bad wedding. To me there’s no such thing. It’s like pizza or sex (you pick the metaphor.) When it’s good it’s good, when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. I’ve already been to one this summer (highlight) and I am totally looking forward to wedding number 2 this weekend.

And while some may view this as a bad obsession, I look at it as redemption for all the other habits I am lacking from the girl department. Thank you weddings for giving me something to be mushy about. Friends who want to have a wedding, keep it up! And for those who have gotten married, thanks for including me. I wish you life long happiness, and thanks for throwing in a day of fun while you were at it.

So there you have it. As a girl I proudly proclaim that I love weddings.

I may not have combed my hair today, but you bet your ass I’m gonna make time to browse facebook for friends’ bridal photos.

– One El

“If I ever had to poop in front of my boyfriend, it would only because that was the only way to save the world.”

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