Lady Gaga

I think it’s fair to say I got a beef with Lady Gaga. And no that is not a play on words with her stupid beef outfit she wore to the VMAs, and if you thought that then that only aids to the beef I have with her. I shouldn’t have to clarify that my beef means “I have a problem” with Lady Gaga, or that any other word choices I make are related to some stupid pun entanglement with one of her fucking outfits. She’s currently on my shit list and I want desperately to dig her out. (And if by the time I finish this I read that she has worn a dress made entirely out of shit, then she is shit out of luck.)

I think a big part of my resentment toward Lady Gaga is that I so don’t want to resent her. I so want to be on Lady Gaga’s team. I think it is safe to say that I am truly fascinated by her. I find myself googling her and downloading her songs illegally onto my Ipod. I’ve youtubed the “lady gaga before she was lady gaga” video and was impressed. When I watch the On Demand Hit List and they have fun facts about the artist, I read hers. And I think her videos are fun to watch.

I just can’t take the leap to becoming an honest fan because she always seems to piss me off right at the moment I want to do so. No, Lady Gaga doesn’t bother me because she is too “edgy.”  I wasn’t offended by her Kermit outfit, despite being a die hard Muppet fan. And she didn’t say something about gay rights that made me mad, because I too support gay rights. Her statements have not made me shiver because she is so ballsy that I don’t know what the younger generation sees in her.

In one sentence, Lady Gaga pisses me off because she is trying to come off as an authentic new cutting edge pop icon with some sort of spiritual purpose to liberate those awkward transvestite teenagers who also want to wear clothing that blocks off their sightline, and the fact of the matter is, that is just not true. She really isn’t anything that special. And what would make her special would be if she recognized this and worked within that knowledge as opposed to against it. But she’s not, and she won’t and I don’t like her for it.

The “Alejandro” music video she made was also made the year I was born, ala “Like a Prayer” by Madonna. That retarded sparkly outfit she wore when she met the Queen was first seen in 1975, when Elton John wore the same retarded sparkly thing as the Pinball Wizard in the film “Tommy.” Songs? Queen and Devo. Interviews? Michael Jackson. Wigs? Rupaul. It’s been done before. All of it.

Now I’m not gonna hold that specifically against her, because I also have a belief that almost any idea that has ever been had has been thought of already, and with each new generation it is our responsibility to further the idea and/or put our own spin on it. (Can we PLEASE have flying cars already?) I acknowledge that we can’t have Madonna or Michael Jackson as our crazy icons, partly because one is old and one is dead but also partly because we can’t continue to enjoy what our parents dug back in the day. That would suck.

I enjoy the theatricality of Lady Gaga. I pretty much enjoy anything that clearly has a lot of thought put into it, and she (or her people, I’m not sure if there is a distinction. Gaga herself claims she is part of a monster. There are a lot of people calculating her every move. Fuck monster, she is a machine) always delivers with the layers. I once read a seven page analysis of her video Telephone with Beyonce, and it completely changed my perspective and appreciation of the whole shebang. It was clearly a multiple concept project, despite being kinda gross at annoying. There really is no one like her in mainstream media today, and it’s nice to have her for that.  But if Lady Gaga really is as smart and talented as everyone thinks she is, she would be smart enough to know that her theatricality is not enough. Her thoughts, while she has a lot of them with each passing public appearance, are not all that good. i.e. saying that the dual meaning of the meat dress is a) she’s not a piece of meat and b) if we don’t fight for our rights we are only as strong as the meat on our bones, is not only completely unclever, but the second meaning doesn’t even make sense.

I guess what I’m saying is she’s predictable. When Gaga finally had a right to fight for, she picked gay rights. Which is fine, but woop dee doo, surprise surprise. Oh and she hates fur. (But apparently likes meat? That fucking dress really was the stupidest call.) And that’s about it on the statement train. A cutting edge pop star who supports gay rights because that is the majority of her fan base and hates killing animals because, let’s face it, who wants to admit they like killing animals? Anyone who is anyone supports these two issues, and do so by posing naked in PETA ads or making an appearance on Ellen. I kinda want to ask the gay community about the Gaga attention and whether they like the idea or not. Because I’m not sure if I would want her fighting for my cause, which right now I don’t have one unless you count me hating on her. And if she supported me in that, I may like her again.

I watched her speech for a political rally in Maine for the whole Don’t Ask Don’t Tell debacle, and she not only said that we all should have a right to wear a meat dress (that fucking dress) which again, made little sense in and out of context, but she also proceeded to insult military men by saying if they had a problem with it they should get out and not fight for their country. Now I don’t care for politics, I understand people have their beliefs and that is that, but I’m gonna go ahead and say that if you are going to stand on a platform, you should learn persuasive techniques to get everyone to understand your point of view, and saying that close minded soldiers should quit being patriotic is more like fighting than persuading.

And, I’m sorry, but picking a fight is not edgy, it’s immature.

Her ideas, though well thought out, are just not good. She once said that as a pop star she doesn’t eat. I don’t even want to get into the stupidity of that statement, because I feel like only an idiot would purposely say something that would successfully initiate millions of teenage eating disorders across the country. Gaga is too skinny, admits it, and fuels an already awful epidemic in our country of young self conscious girls who traded in Rihanna fanship for a powerhouse love for Gaga. At least we can rest assured that they won’t get into an abusive relationship. At least.

Oh, and that’s the other thing. Her fan base, and how she treats them, makes me nauseated to the max. Here is a singer who claims she does everything for her fans’ individuality and that all her pointy latex clothing is an effort to release her fans’ inner selves, but then as she does so, she proceeds to classify them into a group. Little Monsters. Little Monsters is what she fucking calls them. I don’t want to be a fan of her because I don’t want to be called  a Little Monster. Just like I don’t want to be called a theater nerd or a bitchy woman. Labeling is supposedly what Gaga is against, and the hypocritical notion that she can corral all her followers into a corner of Gaganess is almost brainwashing-like. It’s like she’s saying, “be an individual, like me” or “you are not your true self until you wear a dress made out of newspapers.”

If she were truly a woman of her word, she would call her fans fans, and also acknowledge that liking her is just a part of their life, not their life as a whole. I hope someday to be a successful actor, writer, director, producer, and I hope to God my fan base is a group of people who like a great amount of other things beside me. I want to be placed on a mantle next to Rockies season tickets, the book Gullivers Travels, and a Rolling Stones vinyl album. And so should fucking Gaga.

Other points that are bothersome to me:

• Her name. It’s stupid. And she prefers being called just Gaga in person. Lady seems too formal to her, as she said to Barbara Walters. Well, chick, you gave yourself a fictional name, you can remove Lady from the title because we all know both names are a NOT FUCKING REAL. You have a problem with the formal name you made up. Shut up. Just shut up.
• Her videos seldom have anything to do with the lyrics. I hate that. I hate when any artist does that. Ug.
• She cried at the VMA’s. It cannot possibly be a dream come true to win an award from a t.v. station no one watches anymore.
• Her nose. Gaga, if you’re gonna go ahead and coke out to have the body of a pop star, why not go the whole nine yards and gets a nose job already? Wait, would that ruin your integrity?  Really? Cuz if that was the case why didn’t you stay just  your normal weight? Why did the body have to go but the nose had to stay?
• The fact that the lyrics to “Just Dance” are basically describing an idiot girl who is gonna get herself raped real soon, real fast. It’s not gonna be okay if you lost your keys, phone, and you can’t see straight anymore. Don’t just dance. (Thanks BDW for pointing that one out to me.)
• Her appearance on SNL with Madonna.  Way to show girl power by not learning your two lines and roll all over each other in a stupid cat fight.  Shame on you. Shame on both of you.
• She’s the same age as me and a million times richer
• Her delicate nature in interviews. Gags, (hey? Why doesn’t anyone call her Gags? Like “gag me”? I say this in the most non-cynical way, but that may  be a solid nickname.) Anyway, Gags,  these times are literally the only times you have to explain yourself, please don’t act appalled when someone asks you if you’ve slept with a woman.
• The sparkler bra thing. Her  nipples could have not been happy when she made that decision.

Lady Gaga is not stupid, in fact she is playing the game incredibly smart. And all her hypocrisies are probably a greater issue of a broken system within the music industry. (The spoon feeding of the masses with what’s cool and what’s not and blah blah blah). I think Lady Gaga is a true talent because she writes really catchy songs and has some awesome pipes. But Christina Aguilera can sing too and Ke$ha has catchy shit and I don’t hate them (oh wait, I do hate Ke$ha, dammit.). And I know ultimately this is a chronic circle that will never be resolved. I will still watch her videos, I will still hum her songs, and I will still find reasons to think she sucks.

I guess deep down I wish she could be change who she is so I could like her in public. How, you may ask? Well, for one, I think it would be great if Lady Gaga had a sense of humor about herself. It would be so cool if she rolled up to another award show wearing a duct tape tampon dress with nipple rings, multiple talking parrots and a beret, and when asked why she was wearing it she would respond, “because I think it’s funny.” (And trust me, that dress I just created in my mind is hilarious.)

South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker are true renegades of pop culture for this reason. A perfect execution of a layered statement was when they showed up the Oscars, THE OSCARS, in designer gowns with a pimp sidekick. This was a drastically edgy move to the entertainment industry and it’s constant self glorification, and it was also a way to joke about the most formal event in the film industry. I mean, they weren’t underdressed, and they did put a lot of thought in what they were going to wear. Matt and Trey (and I address them by their first names in my fantasy land we are super good friends) just put a twist on what formal means. A true twist. What has Gaga done? She put blood all over her face and said it was  tribute to Princess Diana, who by the way died thirteen years ago and has not needed  a statement made about her death since 1997 because everyone pretty much knows it happened and everyone was very sad about it.

I think it would also help if she just stuck to making awesome music. Be thorough there. Gaga. If you’re not going to be funny socially, or even acknowledge your redundance, then write THE power ballad for our generation. Good Riddance needs to be retired. Gaga, I challenge you.

Most of all, it saddens me that she is the powerhouse of the here and now, and she, alas, is not mine. It will be a great day when some awesome talent who is theatrical in all the right costume wearing David Bowie ways comes along and says “I know I’m nothing new, but I kick ass and my layers of metaphors are not on fur and cliche, but of philosophy and education. I’m skinny cuz I have to be, and that’s a problem. I do product placement because I get paid more and I like money so I’ll do it. And I am willing to laugh at myself because, let’s face it, I look fucking ridiculous.” That person, whoever they may be, will be my Lady Gaga. Until then, I’m stuck with this annoying piece of shit.

Okay – I’m gonna go rock out to Bad Romance now.

–       One L

“Hey Matt Damon. Me. You. Buddy Cop Film.”

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