So recently, Princess Kate had topless photos of her vacationing and Lady Gaga admitted to gaining 25 pounds. I have many useless thoughts on this trivial body news so here they are.
ON KATE –
Thought #1: Why on earth was this woman outside with her top off? I know she was vacationing and I know it was probably a very secluded and private location and she had no idea that anyone would be able to see her ever. Still, YOU’RE A FUCKING SUPER FAMOUS PRINCESS, KATE! I am not famous at all, not in the least, and I feel uncomfortable walking around my locked and blinded apartment with my top off when I get in and out of the shower. When I’m famous, I will most likely wear pasties all the time just for good measure, and that includes during normal, no windows anywhere, bathing. And Kate is not the first “getting caught with my top off” celeb who then got super pissed when there were pictures taken of them. I’m not gonna bother googling a list (mostly because I don’t want the topic “topless celebs” to be remembered in my google finder) but this is not a new news story. It’s apparent that many celebs have taken the booby showing serum and apparently just have an URGE to drop the top at any sunbathing opportunity. My question is, why? Is it really important to have tan boobs? That’s skin cancer, right there, skin boob cancer. (P.S. Does skin boob cancer count as a form of breast cancer or is it still just skin cancer OR is it a new hybrid cancer that is all powerful? Scary.) Or is it somewhat of a feminist statements? These are my boobs, hear me roar? Maybe Kate is really comfortable with her body. Maybe she thinks her boobs rock, unlike self-conscious, SusieQNoBoobs Me. Which brings me to…
Thought #2: They are just boobs, people! I know I am a shameful dingbat who hates bra shopping because I hate being reminded of my own boobs, but these ladies, like Kate, have envied bodies and probably work super hard on making them look fan-fucking-tastic. Why shouldn’t they show them off while others just shrug and go, ho-hum, boobs? Why are we so scared and sent into a tizzy about our upper front hills? Why is the Queen flipping a fucking gasket about round nipple holders? Boobs are essentially saggy milk sacks meant for nourishing wee ones dating back to caveman days. If I were to recall my boob history correctly, Kate Winslet was topless in Ti-fucking-tanic, and that shit was rated PG-13 YOU GUYS because it was deemed tasteful enough for thirteen year old kids to handle the complexity of not wearing a shirt. You know what else is tasteful? Kate Middleton laying out, in a non-sexual manner with her husband on vaca with her tatas chilling in the breeze. I’m assuming there were no whips and chains, just trunks and bloomers. That is PG-13 worthy if I ever thunk it, so really this shouldn’t be a scandal whatsoever. They are just boobs. Which leads me to…
Thought #3: Fuck you paparazzi man. Do you realize this man (or woman, let’s not be sexist here. Everyone has the right to be an asshole) has probably made a shit ton of money off invading someone’s boob privacy, considering it’s a) rude and b) just boobs? Not to mention they are royal boobs, so where is the class in all this, bro? You made money off of a dick move. (I’m not even gonna get into the Diana comparissons in all this. I’M NOT GONNA EVEN GO THERE, YOU TURD.) Case in point, you suck, photographer. You suck big time.
And those are my thoughts on two boobs, a gal, and a paparazzi.
Moving on to Lady Gaga and her “weight gain.”
Thought #1: Leave her the fuck alone. What, did we all collectively like Gaga when she had the emaciated look going for her? She was soooo skinny at one point, I’m certain mothers across the nation were eye rolling from the rooftops and now that she’s put something actually on her bones she’s, am I getting this all down correctly, fat? Apparently there is no middle ground. I for one am psyched she looks normal. It makes me think that rock stars can be of the normal body type persuasion, and that maybe someone like me will have a real chance to perform the songs I awesomely sing in my truck in front of a live audience and NOT including a karaoke bar. Wait, I have to be able to sing then. Strike that. But I can dream can’t I? (My newest fantasy is joining Nikki Minaj on stage to sing her hooks because honestly I don’t know who actually does sing her hooks. They try to make it appear like it’s her but I have yet to conclude if that is true.) My ultimate point is, there is a middle ground, and that is where Gaga is right now. Fat would mean she has to actually be fat. Right now it just looks like she eats on a regular basis, which brings me to….
Thought #2: Maybe you shouldn’t have set yourself up for failure, Gaga. Forgive me, but wasn’t it YOU who said, and I quote “Pop singers don’t eat” ? (sorry, it was actually a hashtag tweet. Can I quote those?) Perhaps you were saying it all with a wink and a smile, but good luck explaining that one to middle schoolers who immediately pushed away their lunch tray after reading that quote. Now because of this weight gain you are saying badass things like “Let’s start a body revolution” and telling girls that we should love our bodies and have gone on to confess to the hardships of an eating disorder you’ve had since you were fifteen, which as a role model YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOING SINCE THE BEGINNING. Trust me, I know coming to terms with your body image is difficult, and Gaga is only human (wait, is she? Human? Nevermind. I guess it doesn’t matter) but with being famous, just like Kate Middleton’s boobs, taking social responsibility is part of the fame bargain. I cannot wait for the day that a pop star doesn’t have to have the scrutiny of the media up her butt to come out in support of eating disorder prevention. It seems like now the only time a celeb does it is after they are called out on their own looks. You don’t see people who look beautiful every day coming out and speaking about it, just folks who have had unflattering pics posted like Tyra Banks, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson and now the Gags. I want Gwenyth Paltrow to speak up, or Natalie Portman, or Meryl Streep even. People who have never been accused of anything other than being great all the time. Instead there had to be prodding at Mother Monster before she flip flopped on the issue. Saying that you don’t eat, until you are accused of being fat, and then charging that eating is okay, only dances around the core problem. In the end I am thankful that there is support coming from all these ladies, especially someone as massively influential as Lady Gaga, but I wish it came before saying stupid shit like “Eating a salad and dreaming of a cheeseburger. #popstarsdonteat.” Bite me, Gaga. Or food, your call.
All this body talk makes me hope I am under-the-radar famous someday. Cool enough to get high fives from strangers, not cool enough for people to have any interest in my boobs or weight. Or I could just be like a funny Meryl Streep. That would work.
– One L
“You see, the boys are singing “You don’t know you’re beautiful, that’s what makes you beautiful.” But they’ve just told the girl she’s beautiful. So since she now knows it, she’s no longer beautiful! But – stick with me, stick with me, oh it goes deeper! – but she’s listening to the song, too. So she knows she’s not beautiful. Therefore, following the syllogism of the song, she’s instantly beautiful again!” – Stephen Colbert