Moments I Realize I Am A God Damn Real Life Adult/ Moments I Realize I’m Not/ Moments I Realize I’m Human

2013 has already gotten off to a weird start.

It is a bittersweet time period, full of opportunities and moments that are simultaneously exciting and terrifying, and not in that good way terrifying, like pushing myself  to the limit terrifying, but just actual fear and loathing (in Las Vegas, ey-yo!) terrifying.

I got a job. A real human job. It only took 26 years, but there was money offered and I took it. The perks and uncertainties lie in this reception position at a major production company. On the one end I am getting much needed money and working with the coolest people ever, on the other end I am fearful of monotony and straying from my comedy path.

And it is with the topsy turvy time that I bring you:

 Moments I Realize I Am A God Damn Real Life Adult/ Moments I Realize I’m Not/ Moments I Realize I’m Human

I have Benefits with a capital B.                                                                                        
My boyfriend had to explain to me what my benefits mean.                                                              
I’m just pumped I get to go to the dentist for the first time in three years.
I hope I get a “no cavities” sticker.

I have a 50 hour work week. Time and a half for the extra ten hours.                                      
By Day 2, I was soooooo tired.                                                                                                        
 By Day 3, I have learned that 7:42am is the maximum time I can push leaving to arriving on time.

 I have office cohorts.                                                                                                           
I hope I can sit at the cool kids’ table at lunch.                                                                                   
I wonder if anybody even likes me.

There’s a Starbucks coffee machine in one of the kitchens.
Free. Free. Free. Free.                                                                    

I have a computer. I have a phone. I have extensions. And I have Outlook.                      
Oh my God so many buttons (!) so many buttons and if I push the wrong ones the entire office is going to know I am fraud and/or an incredibly stupid person. So many buttons, so many buttons.                                                                                                                           
Does anyone really know how to efficiently make a spreadsheet?

The computer should be used for reading the Trades and checking email.
The window should be used for daydreaming of my own buddy cop movie starring me and Jennifer Lawrence.*
The paycheck should be used for excelling in my dream career.

My desk is a beautiful and sleek white color.                                                               
Shit, I spilled.                                                                                                                      
Why would anyone want a white desk?

 “Thank you for calling, how may I direct your call?”                                                     
“Hi this is the Tafel residence, Alison speaking.”                                                                              
Text me. I’m working.

I want to buy matching lamps and a frame for our bedroom.                                           
At Ikea.                                                                                                                                   
I hate putting that shit together.

I am grateful for a steady paycheck.                                                                                          
I am worried if this was the correct decision.                                                                                                              
I want to be paid to be funny.

I am surrounded by important people doing important things.                                                              
 I find myself staring at all these important people, wondering if I will ever be doing important things. Thinking that I may never get to do these important things. Hoping that someday I will.                                                                                                                                      
I’m a very impatient person.

 –          One L

I have wanted to be an actor since I was a little girl. I have worked for a really long time. I have auditioned and struggled and fought and been on the sidelines for years.” – Jessica Chastain, the mother fucker who won the Golden Globe.

*J Law plays my undercover cop half sister who is using me to get her perp, my strange older boyfriend played by Leonardo DiCaprio. I’m unprepared, she’s sassy, he’s a villain, hilarity ensues and Leo gets his first Oscar for, shockingly, a comedic role.        


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