My boyfriend takes longer putting on his shoes than I do eating an entire sandwich.
Alligators and crocodiles did very little to earn such vastly different titles.
Teletubbies were legit once.
I still believe that after my alarm goes off in the morning if I am quick enough to set it for twenty minutes later, I can close my eyes tight and easily go back to completing my awesome dream where I am flying around Longs Peak with Gene Wilder saving eagles. Never gonna happen, Tafel. Never gonna happen.
When I read aloud a children’s book I get paranoid that I am turning dyslexic or at the very least have completely forgotten how to read.
In fact I feel like I’m just all around getting stupider.
In fact I feel like the further removed I get from formal education, the less smart I am becoming.
In fact I don’t think that above sentence is structured correctly.
Elmo had a sex scandal. ELMO.
Somewhere out there, there’s a hologram Tupac yet we still don’t have flying cars. Because we have our priorities straight.
I haven’t read an entire book in six months and I fancy myself a writer.
The longer the line to the ladies room, the longer women take in the stall because subconsciously they think they’ve earned it or something for waiting so long and that is why women can be pure evil sometimes.
I run into things so much and so often when I look at bruises I don’t even know where they are from anymore.
Everything I eat makes me fart. EVERYTHING.
“Your headshots are beautiful. They don’t look anything like you!” – World to me.
When I go to the doctors and I tell the nurses that I don’t know how much I weigh and I would like to keep it that way, I can feel them judging me as I look away from the scale, and they always seem to take extra long in case I want to take a peek. I will never peek, nurses, quit trying. And quit fucking judging me.
When I sit on the toilet, I pretend I am being interviewed on a late night talk show, even when the sink/desk is on the wrong side.
More people have cell phones than clean water and I learned that not because I read the news but because I like Matt Damon. (www.water.org)
That whole Einstein Failed Math story is bullshit. BULLSHIT.
I was fired from being a receptionist. At one time my most embarrassing story was the time I was ten and I peed my pants on stage during a production of The Sound Of Music, but now it’s not. It’s the fact that I was fired from being a receptionist.
I have a freckle on my chin that grows a tiny hair and my boyfriend seems to enjoy finding it and pulling it out.
I’m jealous that it is May and I don’t get a summer break.
People who feel sorry for themselves are horrible human beings.
– One L
“In comedy, your weakeness is your greatest strength.” – Kid comedian with MS.