I am so ashamed of myself.
I know no one reads this except my mom and occasionally my boyfriend. I know it’s not popular or trending or ever gonna catch on to have some sort of a following. Heck I don’t even know if this blog is worth the time I put into it. But if there is one thing I am not, it is a ball dropper. (Heh heh. Ball dropper.) No matter who reads this or who cares, I made the decision long ago to always post a blog once a month, if at the very least as a writing exercise. Or as a reminder as to why I love to write so much.
And last month, June 2013, I did not post a damn thing.
Not that anyone was eager for it. Or that anyone was be disappointed it didn’t happen. But I am disappointed it didn’t happen. In some small way, it was like I gave up last month. (And let’s be honest, May’s was a little half-assed too. I was wallowing hard core.)
And I got a millions of June excuses in my brain to argue with myself. I know that I justifiably took a creativity break. It was summer. I finally landed enough jobs to pay some bills. I finally got over the embarrassment of being fired from a job I thought I was overqualified for (and, also, where I wrote one or two of these at. Ah, desk memories!) June was my month of going home for ten days, of being in a wedding, of seeing family and friends and taking a moment to just… breath.
But, like, seriously? Cry me a fucking river, Tafel. As if I had anything to “need a breather” from. It’s not like I’m knee deep in industry out here. What am I so swamped with phone calls and gig offers that I just needed me time? Was LA seriously asking too much of me? Because I’m pretty sure at this point I am asking too much of it! Give me a job! Give me an agent! Give me a TV show, wah wah wah!
It’s been about a year and a half and I still feel like I am scratching the surface of this beast known as Hollywood. My toes are in the pool, why did June justify going away from the water and laying on my towel a bit?
Alas, it was a busy month for me (and I wrote a speech for the wedding! Haha! Excuse #76!) capped off by a 4th of July weekend in LA where I paraded my visiting brother around showing him all the cool stuff I am in the vicinity of and reminding myself that just living in LA is pretty kickass.
I guess I am ashamed with myself not because I feel like I am far behind, goodness knows it takes a long time to get anywhere out here and part of this journey is patience and gratitude for what I have done, but rather that with my goals so lofty I need to wise-the-fuck-up already and quit making up excuses for dropping the fucking ball. What I mean is, unless I plan on setting my sites a little lower, maybe I should think twice before I check out for an entire month. Just saying.
WHO THE FUCK CARES IF NO ONE READS THIS BLOG? I write it. I need to have pride in it. I need to work at it.
Conversely, WHO THE FUCK CARES IF NO ONE KNOWS MY NAME OR CARES WHAT I DO OR THINK I AM A DIME A DOZEN? I don’t. And I need to have pride in myself. I need to work at me.
One of my two day jobs is working at CBS, which is a cool fucking gig. Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. Sometimes I am bored. Or hot. Or bored. Or I feel not important. But no matter how you slice it, working on a television show is way cooler and way more interesting than most jobs folks can even dream of doing. And I realized this today in between being bored and hot when Sheryl Underwood grabbed the microphone and spoke to the audience on The Talk.
The Talk is a CBS morning talk show with women sitting around and discussing topics very similar to another morning talk show with women sitting around and discussing topics that is on ABC. The cast of women is diverse, and Sheryl Underwood is one of the hosts on The Talk, representing the diverse group of sassiness. She may or may not be a household name, I personally didn’t know who she was until I worked on the show. But she is fun and has a good sense of humor about herself and you can tell she is having a ball working on The Talk. I know she is because today she grabbed the microphone during commercial break and said to the audience, “If you would’ve told me that I would work on a fun show with fun women and get to meet and interview famous people I would’ve said you were crazy. I have the best job in the world!”
And I believe Sheryl Underwood. And I am thrilled she said that to the audience today. After all, her life is really neat, and I am glad she appreciated it. Even if she is not a household name and even if she is on a show that is a little less famous but stupidly similar to another more famous show. Even if everyone forgets about The Talk in 20 years or even forgets who Sheryl Underwood is, at the very least Sheryl Underwood has the gumption to recognize that she has a one of the coolest jobs in the world that she will remember for the rest of her life. That is so awesome. Good. For. Her.
And there are tons of people who live their life with that Sheryl outlook.
People who travel. I have my parents’ friends who rented their house out to their daughter and have been on the road for the past year and a half staying in various towns across the country, learning about history of small rural areas, and making friends along the way. That sounds amazing.
People who have wicked cool vocations. I once knew a video game tester. Yep. That was his job. He tested video games for a living. Gave designers notes on how to make their video game more awesome. I’ve also known a zoo director, a inflatable sculpture artist (he makes giant balloons, PEOPLE) and a person who works at a brewery who will get free beer for the rest of his life. ALL REAL JOBS. ALL REAL COOL.
And for lots of people that is enough. It is enough to achieve the dream job or have the dream lifestyle. To buy the house you always wanted that you could fix up on your own and make it yours to pass on to your kids someday. Lore is big for a lot of folks. Traditions. Memories. Family. And for them that’s where joy is. Lore = joy.
I am mad that I slipped up on blogging because on top of all those desires, the Sheryl Underwood “I love my job” Proclamation, my parents travel friends, the cool job havers, the nice house owners, the tradition passer-on-ers…
On top of all those desires, I want to do something important.
I am part of the sector of folks who want to leave their mark on the world in a profound way. It’s not enough to just have a cool job. If that was the case I would’ve stayed being a Tour Guide at Celestial Seasonings Tea Factory in Boulder, Colorado. It’s not enough to want the lore, otherwise I would spend all my time planning kick ass theme parties rather than half my time like I do now. I don’t just want to do things. I want to do memorable, game changer things.
And in order to do that, I probably shouldn’t forget the smaller goals I have along the way that will help me get there.
And that includes saying to myself that once a month I am going to write something on a stupid blog I like. Even if I am the only one who reads it. Because maybe, just maybe someday, I won’t be the only one who reads it. And I don’t want to drop the ball on that chance now do I?
And here’s the rub. While I know I want to leave a mark on the world, and I have it narrowed to comedy, to LA, to television, film, writing, acting, the arts (i.e. at least I have a navigated direction with my important something), I still have to solve the tricky riddle of what exactly my mark is. See? RUB! THERE IT IS.
And I can only discover that but doing more, by writing more, by figuring out my voice in this world I happen to live in. It’s okay that I took a break in June to see family and friends, and it’s okay that I work two jobs, one being CBS where I am a hot, bored, nobody. The important thing is that I take all of these things and put it toward my important thing.
I want to do something important. And with that goal, I can never be off the clock.
I will never be a ball dropper again.
(Hehe. Ball dropper.)
– One L
“I just hope my mark isn’t something incredibly embarrassing.”
One thought on “Something Important”
I read your blog. I think it’s pretty damn entertaining.