In celebration of the spookiest month of the year, I thought I would take a moment and examine some of the bizarre things I do on the daily. It’s possibly many of you do these things too. It’s possible many of you have no idea what I am talking about. It’s certain many of you will think I’m crazy after reading this. But hey, aren’t we all a little bit crazy? Sometimes it just takes making a list to see how alarmingly true that is.
So I bring you:
Things I Do That Could Come Off As Creepy.
1. Right now I am taking prenatal vitamins even though I’m not pregnant, am washing my hair with horse shampoo even though I am not a horse, and taking a diet supplement called biotin even though I am not on a diet all in a grand attempt to grow my hair long. Spoiler alert: It’s not working.
2. When I sit in a large lecture hall type room or banquet of any kind (for a wedding reception, lecture class…) I always locate an exit and figure out how quickly I can get to that exit safely if some mass shooting was going to happen. And if I don’t feel safe where I am sitting, I move.
3. Both my knees crack when I walk down the stairs. Loudly. A long..ly. Like stepping on a block of ice and crushing it under your toes. Crrrrrhhhhh. Crrrrrhhhhhh. Not ice, just my knee.
4. In Girl Scouts, I used to try to get lost in the woods so I could use my whistle.
5. My hands are incredibly dry and wrinkly and boney and ugly. If I were to stick my hand in cement to leave a hand print as I may do because I want to be famous someday, there is no doubt that the cement will show all the wrinkles and creases indented in cement, as if saying “Grandma was here!” They look aged and withered and they feel like sand paper. On cold days they are also a lovely shade of blue.
6. If I ever have to pee at a movie theater, I always feel like I am in an action movie. I imagine ninjas are just outside the stall door waiting for me to flush. So I pee quick and run back to the theater to escape the ninjas. Once I am back inside, I am safe until the credits.
7. I have a tick where I intensely twirl my hair with my left hand (AND ONLY MY LEFT HAND) at moments of deep concentration. It’s a rapid fire twist where my fingers look like they are communicating in Morse code, and I usually twist until a hair cuts off circulation in my index finger. I then coil the hair and imprint a “happy face” on my finger tip and then let it go. Typically I don’t even notice I’ve done this until I catch a glimpse of my twisted gnarled hair in the mirror.
8. My handwriting always looks like I am writing a ransom note.
9. Sometimes when I become aware that I am breathing, I have to think about breathing in order to breath otherwise I will die. (You’re doing it too now. You’re welcome.)
10. I secretly want to spend the night in a hospital once. As a patient.
– One L
“Oooo…I dreaded to go…I dreaded the tree…Why does Mama always choose me when the night is so dark and the mind runs free?” – The Ghosteye Tree. My favorite book AS A CHILD.