Tis the season! Time to pack your bags and travel back to your small hometown for some traditional and predictable holiday cheer!
If you are like me, you are probably pretty stoked to relax, enjoy your mom’s cooking, play competitive board games, and open presents under the tree.
But if you are like me you are also probably dreading the painfully long time spent on a particular topic or hobby that you have zero interest in but have to do anyway because the majority of your family loves it. It can be attending a religious service you find boring, or maybe discussing the Serial Podcast that you never listened to, or even a general distaste in the meals because you decided to go Vegan this year. (btw – Terrible choice, dude. Christmas ALONE is exactly why I would never go that route. Vegans = not living.)
For me, the thing is football. I don’t get football. I never had, I never will. I have tried, tried and tried again to join the camaraderie of it all. I like having it on the TV while I’m cleaning, I find the sound of it in the background weirdly nostalgic. I even like when people passionately yell and scream when their team makes a touchdown or a bad call is made. I’m for football existing! And I love that all walks of life can relate and talk about it.
But if I were to be perfectly honest, if I had my druthers, I’d rather spend my three hours on Sunday marathoning Gilmore Girls on Netflix.
With that said, fear not, other Football “Meh”-ers, for I have created a list of ways you can still enjoy quality time with the family while they are watching the game.
And with THAT said, Go Broncos.
I bring you:
Things To Do Over The Holidays While Your Family Is Watching Football
- Figure out why Mark Wahlberg is always walking really angrily in all his movie previews.
- Work on your acting skills and get unreasonably upset about the coin toss.
- Hold your breath between every play and make a wish. If you can make it the entire time it takes for them to start playing again, your wish will come true.
- Look up the animators of that robot football guy who basically is a Transformers rip-off. Confirm whether or not the animators worked on Transformers.
- Say, “I wonder if Carrie Underwood actually likes football” a few times and see if anybody bites.
- Give all the players a soap opera backstory. The dude who is punting is totally sleeping with the dude who is holding the ball’s ex-wife.
- Hum “Chariots of Fire” whenever they do a slow-motion instant replay.
- Every time a flag is thrown, drink.
- Find a corner and thoroughly stretch like you’re supposed to when you go to the gym but never do. Or yoga. Do some yoga. Who cares? Your family knows you’re the weird one.
- Take a nap. But, you know, still physically be there. Just napping.
- Try to coin the phrase, “That’s not how Rudy would do it.”
- PILLOW FIGHT.
- Knit? Or learn how to knit? Or fuck it, just latch hook.
- Begin theorizing the Doritos commercial campaign for the upcoming Superbowl.
- Crunches and Kegels.
- Primp. Thoroughly. Primp like you’ve never primped before. Nails. Hair. Makeup. To the nines!
- Shout “NO SPOILERS” whenever anybody begins talking during a movie or film promo.
- Figure out a way to make your entire body comfortable, starting at your feet and moving all the way to your head.
- Watch the game as well?
- Yeah okay, if all else fails go ahead and grab your laptop and quietly marathon Gilmore Girls.
And there you have it! My Christmas gift to you! Have a happy holidays and thanks for reading my blog this year. It really means a lot.
May next year be full of insightful and fun posts!
– One L
“Merry Christmas you filthy animal.” – Home Alone (something else you can watch instead of football!)