A Bucket List For The Vain Dreamer (Me)
- Sing the hook to a rap some with a hip hop artist who is way cooler than me and had no business asking me to sing a hook but he/she asks me to because dorky is the new cool.
- Be a series of memes on a Buzzfeed post.
- Direct a sitcom episode that I also wrote. It would be sweet if it were a two –parter.
- Meet Tina Fey and Amy Poehler and ask if they ever want to go on a “wine walk” and see if they say yes on event description alone.
- Get into Club 33 at Disneyland but leave early because I prefer riding Pirates with the commoners. It would be a borderline political statement.
- Write a captivating supporting role in a film that will singlehandedly pull Rick Moranis out of retirement and get him Oscar Gold before he jumps back into obscurity.
- Do a sa-weet cover of “I Saw Red” with Tenacious D for some Sublime tribute album.
- Meet a Muppet. Any of them.
- Introduce my mom to Huey Lewis. Introduce my boyfriend to Benedict Cumberbatch. Introduce my dad to Famous Sports Person.
- Star in a really, really well done bio-pic (NOT Lifetime movie style, but Milk and Ray style) of Tonya Harding AS TONYA. I will learn to skate. I WILL LEARN TO SKATE.
- Legitimately cameo something random.
- Crash a Me First And The Gimme Gimmes concert and join them in a rendition of “Tomorrow.”
- Have an HBO special that’s a mix of stand up and a one woman show but isn’t as lame as this sentence sounds.
- Go back to Longmont and to ASU and teach a comedy class and have people actually show up.
- Host an awards show. A good one though.
- Tell THE epic Paris story that I have been practicing on The Tonight Show. (I WON’T TELL THE STORY HERE ON ACCOUNT OF ME SAVING IT FOR THE TONIGHT SHOW.)
- Write an autobiography with chapters titled: “Sucking My Fingers and Twirling My Hair” “Vida Marvin Says Not You Scrubs” and “They Don’t Know The Words. I Know The Words.”
- Say, “LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!”
- Get the rights to the video game Twisted Metal and write a movie script with my best friend John where I get to play Twister.
- Marry my boyfriend with Jimmy Fallon as the pastor, Adele, Bruno Mars, Jason Mraz, and Ed Sheeran as the musical entertainment, and Ewan McGregor and JLaw as guests.
- Create a Broadway Musical using the music from Less Than Jake’s Hello Rockview, No Doubt’s Tragic Kingdom, and Weezer’s Blue Album.
- Miraculously be named a Dame despite not being British at all. (But it doesn’t matter because everyone will totally agree that I earned it.)
- Be part of a newer version of the rat pack or brat pack with my friends. Any sort of pack will do.
- Go for the EGOT. Maybe not get it but go for it anyway. I mean I would have an Emmy for writing and directing that episode, a Grammy for singing that hook, an Oscar for playing Tonya… maybe I should just hope Menken gives me the role.
- Give someone else their start and have that be an adorable story my mom can read in People Magazine.
- Create that Bingo Card website that I’m always talking about.
- Have a comeback.
- PAY BACK EVERYONE THAT I OWE MONEY TO.
- Meet Ben Affleck but in an incredibly endearing way not in a creepy “I’M OBSESSED WITH YOU” way that will surely happen if I met him, like, tomorrow. Pitch: Jimmy Kimmel introduces me to him live on his show and I give a very sincere speech about all that Ben means to me and cry and then we work together on a movie and it’s a super duper cute story.
- Stop world hunger.
– One L
“Life is but a dream” – that boat song
In the Sun with Alison 