Lies People Have Told Me (in no particular order)

  1. That the moment the divers in Denver’s Casa Bonita hit the water, they were electrocuted by the neon lights in the pool and died.
  2. That he was totally, 100% straight while being my boyfriend.
  3. That Pearl Harbor the movie was going to be as big as Titanic.
  4. That they were singing the word “Alison”, not “Anna Sun.”
  5. That if you stepped on a bee, the bee juice on your shoe would alert other bees to attack you in the dead bee’s honor.
  6. That pleather pants were a good idea.
  7. That I would look great as a brunette.
  8. That they totally like me as a person but…
  9. That if you eat a watermelon seed a watermelon would grow in your stomach.
  10. That my card was the King of Hearts and they knew it because magic.
  11. That marijuana is a gateway drug to meth.
  12. That Los Angeles has the best Mexican food.
  13. That season 2 of True Detective was going to be grounbreakingly awesome.
  14. That if you swallowed gum you may blow gum bubbles out of your butthole.
  15. That Shakira has a genius level IQ.
  16. That dogs are better than cats.
  17. That cats are better than dogs.
  18. That if I didn’t go to sleep right this minute, Santa wasn’t coming.
  19. That I would really enjoy fly-fishing if I just gave it a shot.
  20. That Mulaney was going to be the new Seinfeld.
  21. That alcohol kills germs so you should totally drink when you have a head cold.
  22. That Donald Trump is nobody to worry about.
  23. That there’s a scene in The Wizard of Oz where you can see a dead body hanging from a tree and it totally is not just a random bird animal thing.
  24. That it is merely coincidence that Triton’s castle in The Little Mermaid is sprinkled with penises.
  25. That the Little Mermaid actually had feet stuck in her fin, waiting to break free, and she wasn’t half fish, half human.
  26. That asking me to “smile more” wasn’t a sexist request.
  27. That my cat likes me just as much as he likes my boyfriend.
  28. That they are not racist but…
  29. That I can sleep when I am dead. (actually, a sign told me that, not a person. Still counts.)
  30. That Christmas is overrated.
  31. That it’s hard out here for a pimp.
  32. That losing weight was easy, if I just put my mind to it.
  33. That it is possible to make money in improv.
  34. That video games today aren’t that confusing.
  35. That snapchat is a logical form of communication.
  36. That there’s no difference in the words Theater and Theatre.
  37. That I have something right here on my shirt, Op.
  38. That I should put a comma there.
  39. That I don’t get the joke because it’s too sophisticated not that it’s just a poorly worded joke.
  40. That this shower head will make it feel like I’m showering in the amazon rainforest.
  41. That there’s little risk in betting on red.
  42. That it’s possible to be loved eight days a week.
  43. That the way I play Catan is actually incorrect and that this new rule with trading in between rounds is actually the best way to play the game and also I should really want more Sheep.
  44. That your names Blurry Face and you care what I think.
  45. That no one was intentionally trying to make little girls sexually attracted to Simba.
  46. That the following foods are necessary in society: kale, tofu, anything Big Red cinnamon flavored.
  47. That standing in front of the mirror in the dark saying “Bloody Mary” three times won’t result in getting the amazing drink handed to me.
  48. That staying in Vegas for over three nights is a super fun and not at all an overkill.
  49. That the phrase is “hot on her tail” and not “hot on her trail.”
  50. That this is a good place to end the blog, and not 20 lies earlier.

– One L

“You can’t handle the truth.” Jack Nicholson, As Good As It Gets (Just kidding, that’s a lie)


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