February is the new January

Wow. 2018 is already off to a fast start. For one, it’s already February! And for the first time in YEARS, I forgot to post a monthly blog!

I’m very, very sorry about that, dear reader (Mom), but in order to explain my forgetfulness, you have to understand a few things.

  1. January went by really, really fast. Like so fast.
  2. Absolutely everyone was sick for the duration of it. Including me.

Now I’m not saying these are good excuses for forgetting to write, but they are mine nonetheless.

And to be honest, I blame our cheeto faced butthole of a president for the latter. This winter has seriously been the sickest flu/cold/stomach virus/sinus infections/random ailments season I have seen in a long time, and I really think it’s because the majority of the people I spend my time with are actively protesting, getting involved, and trying to make a change and are thus actively stressed out to the brink of terrible illness. I’m not saying he’s worn us down to nothing, but I’m saying… we’re so sick and tired that it was only a matter of time before we were literally sick and tired.

January I was sick not once, not twice, but THRICE. Toss in me wrapping the show I work on, a few scheduled trips, and I’ll Have What Phil’s Having on Netflix, and you got yourself my January in a nutshell.

It was so defeating, kicking off the year bedridden. It’s quite the opposite of a new years resolution. Plus I am planning a wedding (side brag) and working on new writing (other side brag) and trying to get super duper fit (full frontal brag) that I just feel like January needs a do-over.

So I’m doing it over.

For this year, 2018, February is my new January. And here are the things I hope to accomplish this year.

In no particular order, (or in ability/motivation to actually achieve) here are my…

February (as January) Resolutions!

  1. Feel as good about my tummy in stasis mode as I do about my arms when they are flexed.
  2. Get that elephant out of the room.
  3. Play the role of Mark in the Broadway musical Rent.
  4. Think of a really sick burn about Quentin Tarantino that covers the last twenty-five years where he has enabled and covered up horrible shit happening to women just so he can make edgy fetish movies.
  5. Do a push up.
  6. Sneakily tell a story about my cats that will make non-cat people cat people.
  7. Find work.
  8. Try to look at my wedding spending with out crying and saying nonsensical, unfinished phrases like “they they they never tell you…” and “every decisions is like… buying a lot of… used cars.”
  9. Grow my hair long enough so I can fit all of my hair into one pony-tail instead of my usual double-decker.
  10. Become a cast member on SNL.
  11. Say “Time’s Up” and “me too” casually in every single conversation I have.
  12. Drink less.
  13. Win my RuPaul’s Drag Race Fantasy league. Lose at my Bachelor league.
  14. Revive a dead bird doing itty bitty CPR.
  15. Become the first ever female late night talk show host on broadcast television.
  16. Poop less.
  17. Teach my cats to high five and fist bump.
  18. Test drive a car I will never buy but really get the car salesman’s hopes up about it.
  19. Hold two babies in one hand, maxing out at four babies total.
  20. Successfully write a This Is Us spec where no one reading it will cry.
  21. Meditate more.
  22. Be a celebrity guest on Ellen and thank her for the vacuum.
  23. Name my friend’s third born.
  24. Figure out the Australian accent.
  25. Go viral. With my germs.
  26. Try not to lose my computer any more than I already have this year.
  27. Run a marathon or 5K maybe.
  28. Fall asleep sans podcast.
  29. World Peace.
  30. Pull an “Anna Kendrick.”
  31. Get married.
  32. Hilariously frighten someone.
  33. Drink more.
  34. Figure out how my fiancé can make shakes without any lumps.
  35. Be less cold.
  36. Perform on stage.
  37. Read the stack of books by my bed.
  38. Learn how to read.
  39. Focus more on my breathing. So much so that I worry that if I stop focusing on my breathing I’ll stop breathing and die.
  40. Listen to my nutritionist’s advice without being distracted by my jealousy of her perfect body.
  41. Be the favorite aunt.
  42. Pat people on the back more and say “thata boy.”
  43. Be the favorite friend.
  44. Correct my vision.
  45. Be the favorite wife.
  46. Win an EGOT.
  47. Finish classes at the Groundlings.
  48. Shout “Ah HA!” every time I figure out something.
  49. Get back into latch hook.
  50. Impeach the president.



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