Ever feel like you don’t got it? Like at some point you must have got it, only you didn’t know at the time that you got it, and it’s only now that you realized that you definitely had got it once before because what you are currently feeling is the absence of gotting it, which can only be felt if you had got it in the first place and now you wish you would’ve appreciated it when you had got it then, because now you definitely don’t got it and so you’ve got to spend the rest of your life figuring out how to get it again if being able to get it is even possible now. Ever feel that?
Ever wonder if it was actually easier at some point? Like maybe it didn’t feel easier to you at the time because your world was smaller then so obviously the stakes in that world were higher, but it most definitely was easier because as your world got bigger the stakes increased in amount and even though they decreased in highness you have piled up so many stakes that the sheer amount of these low stakes have added up to become incredibly hard and if only you had less of these stakes, which could only happen in a smaller world, then maybe you would be able to manager it all easier but was it really ever easier or does it always break even with the balancing out of world and stake sizes? Ever wonder about that?
Ever think about if you’ve ever really changed? Like maybe the ability to change is a falsehood that we all think is real when in actuality the essence that has been you since birth can never go away, and even though you have hypothetically “grown” and “flourished” and “changed” into a relatively newish person over time, your “change” is essentially not but rather just an elaborate reveal of the core trait you’ve always had inside of you, and it’s only a matter of time before you realize that no matter how much you try you can’t be someone completely different, you can only be a maybe less shitty or more okay you? Ever think about that?
Ever stare at your face in a mirror saying: “This is me. This is me. This is who I am. I am only me and no one else. I am in this vessel of a body and will forever be in this vessel. I will never be in anyone else’s vessel. I can never be anyone else. I only get to view this world in this specific place as me and never in the place of someone else. And also no one will ever get to really view my world from my exact place but me…” until it clicks for a half second and totally freaks you out? Ever stare like that?
Ever worry that you are missing something completely obvious that everyone around you universally understands and assumes you know and once you finally figure out this obvious something the relief is only temporary because it just means there’s now likely a very new completely obvious something that you are missing out on that everyone else universally understands and assumes you know that didn’t exist until you discovered the first obvious something? Ever worry about that?
Ever focus on breathing for so long that it becomes this sort of panicky oh no if I stop thinking about breathing I will stop breathing altogether and eventually die thought followed by a how stupid of me to think about breathing in the first place it’s something that comes naturally and yet here I am stuck thinking about breathing until end times thought? Ever focus on that?
Ever consider the extreme barriers of language and how knowing the very real superiority that music has over our ability to emote is proof that there is likely some bigger form of communication out there that goes beyond language and music that wholly embodies a feeling we will never be able to express because we are trapped by the confines of language? Ever consider that?
Ever feel and wonder and think and stare and worry and focus and consider only to conclude that yep, you definitely don’t
Really? That’s weird. I don’t.
– One L
“You’re very clever, young man, very clever. But it’s turtles all the way down.” – Old Anecdote