25 Things I Learned At My Bachelorette Party

Hi. I had my bachelorette party this month. It was a lot of fun. Here’s what I learned that weekend.

1. That having a Best Man instead of a Maid Of Honor was the best decision ever. (Thanks John!)
2. That I get heartburn when I drink an old fashioned, three seven and sevens, two Hazy IPAs and eat Chinese food (who knew?).
3. That while I hate crafts, I love watching other people do crafts about me while I drink and take selfies.
4. That if an AirBnB house has a fireplace in literally every room and has a beautiful exotic bathtub in literally every bathroom and has no furniture in any room except for beds, just… beds, then it is very likely that the house is a porn house, and you should photograph it as much as possible.
5. That any LA weekend in October will be unbearably hot, unless it’s the weekend you want to lay out by a pool, in which case it won’t be hot, but uncharacteristically rainy.
6. That red peppers shaped as penises printed on to socks is a very real thing someone will buy for you.
7. That co-ed is the new girls only.
8. That I never thought I’d wear a bride sash, but then I got the bride sash and I wanted nothing more than to wear it forever.
9. That every single one of my friends knows how to do their hair better than me.
10. That when in doubt, find the blueprints of the weird house and thoroughly look through them just to try to make sense of it all.
11. That none of my friends know how to play pool.
12. That I will cry when things are so awesome I can’t handle it, like seeing all your favorite people in one big room, as well as reading old emails from 2010.
13. That if you set a ten second camera timer and tell everyone to keep a straight face for the picture, one second before the photo snaps someone will break and that someone will be Mariah.
14. That holding a card with your chin is bad for your neck.
15. That bachelorette truths are more fun than bachelorette dares because then you can ask people sentimental questions that makes everyone go: “ahhhhhhh.”
16. That the only reason one should invite their fiancé to their party on the second night is so he will jump into a freezing swimming pool in front of everyone at one in the morning.
17. That a mail slot that drops into the corner of a living room is just as logical as a mail slot that goes through the front door.
18. That bachelorette bingo will lead some out-of-towners to believe they have met a former child star.
19. That a bottle of champagne, a bottle of rose, and 12 Coors Lites is the proper endowment to present to a Colorado girl in the absence of attending.
20. That my friends clean up nice.
21. That my friends like champagne.
22. That my friends will pose for photos.
23. That my friends are great at making me feel loved.
24. That I am in my 30s and after it was all done, boy was I tired.
25. That this might have been one of my favorite weekends of my life, but it’s all leading up to a bigger one in a few months.

– One L

“Ladies. Focus. I found the blueprints.”

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