Things That Should Be A Thing – Volume 2

There are many things I do that should be a thing all around. Maybe if I post the things here, their idea will spread and finally my things will become a thing.  Let’s kick off 2014 right.

(Wanna refresh on Volume 1? Click here:

So here are some more things. Read, do, enjoy!

The Kelly Clarkson Scale – 

It’s pretty safe to say that Kelly Clarkson is a fierce talent. Like her or hate her  (or “nothing” her) that girl can sing. And because of her vast vocal ability, I use Ms. Clarkson to project whether or not I like an up-and-coming singer/band. It works like so:

  1. If I like a new pop song on the radio, I wonder, “Do I just think the song is catchy, or do I truly like this singer?”
  2. In my mind, I replace Kelly Clarkson with the singer, and if I think the song is improved by doing so, then I know I just think the song is catchy and I don’t really care for the singer.
  3. Conversely, if I replace Kelly Clarkson with the singer, and I don’t think the song has improved OR I think the original singer sings it better than Kelly Clarkson would, then I know that I like this singer.

EX. – Selena Gomez “If You’re Ready Come And Get It” would sound A LOT better if Kelly Clarkson sang the song, so though I think the song is catchy I am not really a fan of the Disney-kid Gomez.

EX. 2 – Lorde’s “Royals” would sound pretty if Kelly Clarkson sang it, but ultimately Lorde has a cool dark edge to her voice that makes the song great, so I now  believe that Lorde is the cat’s meow.

Pros – Kelly Clarkson is a fair use of judgment, a good barometer of talent.

Cons – THERE AREN’T ANY (unless for some reason you don’t think Kelly Clarkson can sing, which is stupid because she totally can).

The Multi-Function Sugar Pack

Every morning I wake up and make my cup of coffee the same way. Full thermos, three large drops of almond milk and two packets of Stevia.  I use almond milk because real milk hurts me and I use Stevia because I am really, really pretentious. Anywho, it always seems wasteful to use a stir stick or a spoon to mix all the ingredients together. And also, who has time open a drawer and grab spoon anyway? Why not save the spoon for something important, like cereal or a scoop of peanut butter?

So instead of using a stir stick or a spoon, every morning when I make my coffee, I do the following.

  1. Fill thermos with the all-important coffee.
  2. Add three large drops of almond milk.
  3. Open two Stevia (or Sweet and Low or actual Sugar) packets, and dump it in.
  4. Take the empty packets and roll them into a toothpick shape.
  5. Use this new fangled paper toothpick device as my official coffee stirrer.
  6. Stir coffee to my heart’s content.

Look — I know the individual sugar packets we find at Starbucks and a coffee shop near you are wasteful, so why not at least get two functions out these paper packets instead of just the one? It saves times plus you are saving that wooden stick thing for another day.  BAM.

Pros – It’s fast, it’s a smidge less wasteful, and hey cool man, you just made a mini stick! YOU’RE LIKE MCGYVER.

Cons – Maybe you think it’s gross that you’re putting paper in your coffee, but come one, you were just about to put a plastic straw or wooden stick into your coffee. Prior to you dipping the paper into your coffee, it was safely stored in a container, untouched. So, unless you originally found the sugar packets in between your butt crack, I’m sure you will be okay germ-wise.

The “I Think I Know That Guy.”

You’re at a bar. You’re single. Or maybe you’re helping a friend who is single. You see a guy and you want to point them out to your friend without saying “I think that guy is hot. What do you think?”

So instead you:

  1. Find your friend, point to the guy and say, “Hey, I think I know that guy!” (i.e. “I think that guy is cute.”)
  2. Once she registers what you’re saying, she can respond with “Yeah, I think I know that guy too.” (“Yeah, I agree, he is cute.”) OR “You may know that guy, but I definitely don’t know that guy.” (“You may think he’s cute, but I do not agree, good friend.”) OR EVEN “No. I definitely do not know that guy. And I don’t think you know that guy either.” (“No, I don’t think he’s cute and you have drunk goggles on girlfriend because that dude is ugly as sheeeeeeit.”)
  3. If you both agree that you know the guy, you can approach said guy and say the classic, “Don’t I know you?”

It’s a new take on the stupid pick up line, but it works as a solid code for ladies who what to blatantly judge and point at people without directly saying it (and let’s be honest, isn’t that the point of going out to bars?). I came up with the “Do I Know Him” in college as a way to wingman with my pals.  If there was agreement of someone “knowing” a dude, then she totally had the thumbs up to approach him with the line “My friend and I agree that we know you.” Perhaps he won’t get what you’re saying, but he’ll get that you’re interested and perhaps buy you a drink.

Once you get the hang of the code, you can develop many sub-codes. What if both of you definitely know the guy at the same time? Well, maybe one knows him better and should talk to him. What if one is not sure if she knows the guy? Maybe help her get a closer look to see if she does. If I’ve lost you in the subtext, re-read the instructions again.

Pros – Talking in code is fun at bars. It is a subtle way of checking in with friends. It works for guys too (“Do I know that girl.” “Yes, I think you know that girl.”). It’s fun.

Cons – The more drunk you get, the harder it is to pull off.

And that’s Volume 2 of Things That Should Be A Thing.

–       One L

“The guy I know is at home. He might even be the guy I know of my life. ” – Me


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