Thoughts That Pop Into My Head When I’m Supposed To Be Meditating


  1. “Breath in through the nose, out through the mouth.”
  2. “Count your inhales.”
  3. “1 breath…2 breath…3 br– I need to scratch my nose.”
  4. “Boy, I am tired today. Hey, what if humans didn’t need sleep? Like ever?”
  5. “If I had one wish, it would be to be able to fall asleep anywhere at a moment’s notice. Or it would be to freeze time so I can get more sleep. But would that ruin my sleep schedule? Constantly changing time? Would my aging get all out of whack with the rest of the world? Like I would be 40 but look 57 because of all the times I froze time, slept a few more hours, and continued to age? This is a bad wish.”
  6. “Is there a person in this world actually named Amber Alert? Like she got the name before that name was a thing? I wonder if she makes the joke ‘I’m right here!’ every time her phone beeps and at first people thought it was funny but now it gets old real quick. Like, we get it Amber. We. Get. It.”
  7. “My eyeballs feel cold.”
  8. “Do I matter?”
  9. “Maybe, if we all collectively wrote 45 with things like: You’d be a hero! A true American Patriot. The bravest, etc. He would quit. Get the mouse to take the cheese, you know? C’mon, people, let’s make a plan!“
  10. “Speaking of plans, what was Jon Snow’s plan with the White Walkers anyway? There’s no way he anticipated that lake to give him a protective barrier. And was it established that the other bastard boy was a super fast runner?”
  11. “Breath in. Feel the air fill my lungs… I’d like to think I could hit Kesha’s whistle note in Praying.”
  12. “Taylor Swift’s promotional video for her new album sort of looks like poop. Did I poop today?“
  13. “If I undo my pants to be more comfortable will it look pervy by anyone who sees me? Are people coming into this parking lot and wondering ‘what a woman is doing sitting in a running car with her eyes closed during her lunch break?’ Are they standing right outside my window to scare the shit out of me when this meditation is over? Oh my god, should I look?”
  14. “I really love Zach. I hope he knows that. I hope I show him that enough.”
  15. “Was I impressed with the eclipse or was I just happy to be distracted from all the horrible happenings in the world for a hot second? I hope Houston is doing okay. I’m donating money today.”
  16. “Donny. Dumpy. Racist. Prick. — Charlottesville. Nazis. Both sides. Sick! — One side. Wrong side. Trump, fuck you. — Throw the KKK in the mental ward too.”
  1. “Is mental health a first world problem?”
  2. “Breath in. Feel the air…. Hehhhhh… hehhhhh…. In Hertford, Hereford and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly happen.”
  3. “Wit feels like a word that should be spelled with an h. Whit.”
  4. “The Manson murders were completely random. They sort of were connected to the house Sharon Tate was living in, but the other one, the one with that older nice couple, was a totally random violent killing.”
  5. “I should lock my door.”
  6. “Okay, I need to get aware of my body. Think of my head. My hair. Eyes. Nose. Mouth.”
  7. “I should brush my teeth harder next time I do it. Really get after it. Behind my bottom teeth feels fuzzy.”
  8. “I really do have the best friends in the world.”
  9. “If you took the R out of the ‘Carmel Towing’ trucks that drive around Los Angeles, their company would be called ‘Camel Towing.’”
  10. “I wish I could burp.”
  11. “If I ever met Anthony Bordain, I’d totally take him to Casa Bonita.”
  12. “Where in my wedding can I include Bill Pullman’s speech from Independence Day? Should I sing a song or is that, like, too self centered? Also, where should I put the unity gong?”
  13. “Hey, this could be a blog post.”
  14. “Do the Animaniacs have buttholes?”

– One L

“Every breath you take, I’ll be watching you.” – Sting, babyyyyyyyyyy (I think?)


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